This week my daughter turned 10…which has sparked a lot of mixed emotions within myself….
Pregnant and alone
When I turned 21 back in 2007 I had a 2 year old son and my own house with the love of my life…I took to mum life better than a lot of people expected me to and I really tried so hard to be the best mum I could. I fell pregnant with our second baby and suffered a traumatic miscarriage at 14 weeks but that’s not what this is about…In 2008 I found out I was pregnant again and to say I was petrified would be an under statement.
Nightmares don’t scare me anymore
I think there’s a certain crazy that a woman can become when she thinks she’s been cheated on…a part of you which just feels a mixture of sick and psychotic and completely possessed by jealousy and rage. I knew things were not right because you changed your passwords on everything you owned, you started going out after work and I knew what the deal was. I outsmarted you and found out myself because you were to much of a coward to tell me yourself….
A mother’s love is stronger than anything a man will ever feel….
Pregnancy is hard..very hard and especially hard when your looking after other children right? But I’m not going to lie I felt more love towards my bump than I thought I would and I was so excited to meet my baby girl. I actually thrived in the fact that I could make all the choices myself…I gave myself weekly aims…I got myself a cute little cottage, learned how to live by myself, pay bills, learn to love my own company and grow into a completely different person. A person I could learn to love.
But there are the other parts of having a new born baby and a toddler and living alone that are absolutly terrifying. If you need a wee you just go to the bathroom right?? Not when you have a baby and a toddler and no one else to hold or watch them for you…I had 2 bouncy chairs in my little 2 bed cottage…1 in the kitchen so I could make tea and breakfast and 1 in the bathroom so I could have a bath/shower or just be able to to to the loo!! The hardest and most horrific experience was a 24 hour sickness bug, alone with a toddler and a new born…I remember having a bucket to throwing up into while breast feeding because I just didn’t know what else to do.
Snow to me is not cold but a symbol of love and emotion
When you were born, grandma and aunty were there to see you come into the world, there was no one else that could have been there and made the experience so possitive. You entered this world on the coldest day of the year with snow falling down outside us but the room you entered couldn’t have been filled with more love and warmth. You were wrapped up in a blanket and help up to see the falling snow, now every time it snows I think of you, my beautiful baby girl who kept me afloat and keept me fighting for a better life with you and your brother.
10 years have passed
It might not seem a big deal to a lot of people and I don’t think of it as a bad thing anymore because I can look back and be proud of you as my daughter who is strong, level headed and just a sunflower who lightens and brightens up were ever she goes. I did that, I made you and you are my rock. Life will always throw these curve balls my way but I will always come out the other side slightly more battered and bruised but still fighting for a happy life.