Suffering from serious mental illnesses alone is so unbelievably exhausting the thought of adding or making the daily emotional rollercoaster worse turns me sick to my stomic, but there are certain things which are completely out of your control. Things other people bring upon you like arguments, breakups and even death are often completely out of your control. when you suffer from Borderline personality disorder like myself the smallest thing to other people can be huge to me. For example..I had a partner who would regularly go out and just completly ignore me, all my calls and messages. A normal person would be mad and pissed off but probably just think “fuck you” and go to bed and forget about the person, they wouldnt deal with the emotion like I would. My thpought process would become extreem and complety crazy to most people.
My thought process
- How fucking dare he ignore me
- ring repeatedly until he answers
- once or if he answers show him how angry you are and hang up then imedietly regeret hanging up.
- Ring constently again
- have a panic attack as to what have you done
- imedietly think thats it and begin crying because your relationship is over
- feel more panic and send text after text and try call more times
- think of the most extreme thing you could do to get their attention
- begin to blame yourself because your such a stupid person, your nothing, youve always been nothing, noone wants you, your a compleete burden on everyone and everything and the world would be better without you
- continue the argument in your head, begin going over everything thats ever happened, things that you know or thought you knew were not your fault and begin questioning them
- imagin your funeral and how noone would be there because your such anothing and you were never ment to be here anyway
- Try call again, still no answer, check every social media outlet for any signs of were he might be, start imagining him with every woman you’ve ever known him to be with or speak to, then start looking through their social media incase you can see any clues hes with them
- cry harder and harder
- inside my head throughout this is the voice that tells me to hurt myself, to punish myself because all this is happening because im a bad person and i need to punish myself
- If i make myself hurt then I wont hurt so much inside and I deserve the pain, ive caused this because I wasnt ment to be here.
- this is the worst phase to look back on because this is when I have ended up letting people back into my life who have been the most toxic and deceitful people
- everything above is exhausting, to fluxulate between such high emotions over such a fast amount of time really drains the life from me, I don’t sleep, Ive literelly faught with my head to stay alive and more often than not I am going through all this emotion behind closed doors and NEVER EVER letting my children see me. I am so good at holding all the above until they have gone to bed.
- when you question everything about yourself and you genuinly believe you are worth nothing all I want is to feel wanted and I cant bare for you to leave me no matter what ypou have actually done. When you finally come home or get in contact I am so broken I beg for you to forgive me and I take the blame so everything can be ok again.
I cannot imagin that it is easy for someone to Love someone with my illness but it shouldn’t be easy to hurt someone with this illness either. Maybe they don’t undersdtand or are just ignorant I cant answer that but for me this instability and self loath doesn’t end there, this scars me for life. Things can be going fine we can be out having a great day out and BOOM! a thought will jump into my head or I will see a person who has caused me upset in the past and BOOM! I am right back living that nightmare all over again, but to you ive just got into a mood.
Maybe I am unlovable, maybe I wasn’t ment to be happy or even be on this planet but I am and as long as I am I owe my life to my children and their happiness. Maybe I have to live alone or find someone who will not hurt me but my adult life has been nothing but hard choices and wrong decitions.
Today life changed again and all the above is how I know I will feel when everyones in bed. I feel angry and let down that this is happening again and I feel more alone than anyone will ever know but I also know I have to keep going because Ive decided to give my life to my children. My sole aim is to make their lives the absolute best it will ever be and accept that I wasn’t ment to be happy or even here, I was put on this world to be a mummy and the best mummy and that is what I will do even if it means I do it alone.