31 Day Blogging Challenge…Day 4

When I saw this question on the challenge I almost skipped it because well theres only 30 days in April and This challenge is 31 days but then I realised facing this question was a huge step in my Mental health journey.

What is your biggest fear?

Back in 2015 when my mental health took a dark turn leading to my full breakdown I began to experience feelings and emotions I didnt know I could. I began to believe in my head that something was going to happen to myself or 1 of my children, now of course every parent would say this is their biggest fear or worry but my mind takes this to a whole new level. 1 stand out memory of a psychotic episode was for a good 6 hours I genuinely believed I had cancer and I was going to die. I cried uncontrollably to my partner in such a genuine panic because I hadn’t made plans for what would happen to the children. It seemed to hit me like a tone of bricks that if I died what would actually happen to my little family ive worked so hard to hold together? I even got so far into my episode that I wrote individual letters to each 1 of my children telling them how proud I was and apologising for not being there to see them grow up.

After this episode I knew that I really was unwell and this was 1 of my breaking points which lead to my diagnosis of Generalised Anxiety Disorder, borderline personality disorder, intrusive obsessive disorder and health anxiety. I would say that every single day I think about something which would cause my children to either be taken away, me being taken away or death. So there you have it…Ive answered this question lets move on quickly!!

Never leave on a negative

I have learned though that there are certain things which are out of our control, I have to fight to see the positives in life not dwell on the what ifs and the maybes. that is the only way I can make life worth living.

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