Maternal Mental health Week 2019 and Me

This week marks Maternal mental health week, something which is very close to my own heart and I’m sure has affected you as well in some way. 1 in 4 mums are affected either before or up to a year after the birth of their child. My own experience of perinatal mental health is a very dark time in my life and I have suffered with each of my 4 pregnancy’s in quite different ways. It wasn’t until my 3rd pregnancy I realised just how ill I was after suffering in silence for months with pre natal depression. I had no idea it even existed and this was my first official diagnosis.

My mental health decline has been a long time coming and I am happy to admit that I 100% have had serious mental health issues since I was 14 years old. I am now 32 and only just got to a point in my life were I fully understand my illnesses and why I act, feel and behave in certain ways.

This picture shows the tablets I take every day, my medication journey has not been an easy ride, having started on Sertraline back in 2010 I changing dosage from 500mg to just 50mg before completely stopping around 2012. That was when things went completely crazy for me, I just thought my behaviour was normal but my behaviour was irrational, impulsive and intense. I became a person I swore I never wanted to be but secretly loved the rollercoaster and adrenalin…but every ride no matter how crazy has to stop eventually and in 2016 my ride hit the absolute rock bottom.I became genuinely petrified at EVERYTHING and I mean everything. Something as simple as leaving the house and going to the shop petrified me, I couldn’t bare anyone to see me, talk to me and I felt like every single person I once felt close to or had some kind of friendship with really hated me and just pretended to like me. I had thoughts of the worst case scenario always happening..1 min I would feel physically panicked that I’d die any second and my children would all get separated and sent away like children in the war, to the next minute thinking thay I’d done something horiffic like ran someone over but not realised and I’d sit in the window just waiting for the police to come and take me away from my babies while sobbing uncontrollably.

I could go on and on but right now the meds in my hand(didn’t mean to shape a cock and balls🤣) is what I take every single day..if I forget or take to late then my day can be an absolute write off…the side effects are horiffic and these alone have caused me a whole new set of problems but I also know I am stronger with them. I take Escitalopram in the morning to stop my anxiety and almost jump start my day and Quetiapine which is an anti psychotic med on a night to enable myself to sleep

I have reached a point in my life were I can fully accept that asking and receiving help doesnt make me weak or a bad mother but actually the opposite. there really is far to much negative stigma around womans mental health and often now I feel its almost glamorised which is just ridiculous.

Share your stories and support using the #maternalmentalhealth, #maternalmhmatters and #mumsmatter

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